Parental Alienation Leads Court to Call Father a “Wallet”

There are many divorced fathers in Canada who believe they are nothing more than a “wallet” in their children’s eyes. It is rare however, for a judge to confirm that status in Reasons for Judgment, but that is exactly what Mr. Justice Gray did in his recent decision in Veneman v. Veneman 2012 ONSC 6324.

Mr. and Mrs. Veneman separated in 2004 after 11 years of marriage. Mr. Veneman left the family home but maintained the financial status quo and enjoyed a good relationship with the children, ages 8 and 11.

The apparent bliss of separation disappeared, however, when Mr. Veneman commenced a personal relationship with a woman he met on the internet. His ex-wife’s reaction was venomous as revealed in vulgar emails from her to Mr. Veneman where she called his girlfriend an “internet whore”.

At about the same time, Mr. Veneman decided that after two years of separation, the parties should reorganize their financial affairs. He closed the joint account that his wife and he shared since the date of separation and began paying voluntary child and spousal support.

Ms. Veneman’s campaign of abuse against Mr. Veneman was quickly adopted by his two girls who also began writing mean-spirited and disrespectful emails to their father. The children were particularly angered by their father when he brought his girlfriend to a birthday party for one of the girls hosted by the girl’s paternal grandparent. This was the first occasion they had met her, although Mr. Veneman told his children about her and their relationship.

As time went on, the girls also sent emails scolding their father for failing to provide sufficient funds to their mother. The Court found that Ms. Veneman liberally shared her views about his girlfriend and his financial contribution, all actions which eventually led to the termination of any father/daughter relationship.

Eldest daughter Maggie described her father in an email to him as “selfish, greedy, lying, back-stabbing, neglecting, blackmailing, bribing, idiotic, mean and just overall a stupid person”. This kind of poison most often originates from a parent who cannot see that their attitude is severely harming their children.

Despite the difficulties, Mr. Veneman continued to make every effort to reconnect and appease his children but all overtures were rebuffed by them.

With his older daughter approaching the age of nineteen and attending Queen’s University, Mr. Veneman brought an application to court asking for an order that his obligation to pay child support cease upon her birthday.

Several years earlier, he had agreed to an order that he pay 75% of his children’s post-secondary education costs, but he now argued that her termination of any relationship with him was cause for the court to reconsider his child support obligations.

Mr. Veneman relied on several cases where courts noted that an adult child’s unilateral and unreasoned abandonment of a parental relationship could lead to a termination of support. Other cases, however, were cited where the proposition was accepted that “estrangement, even at the sole instance of the child, should not be relevant”.

Judge Gray, however, did not need to grapple with which authority was correct as he was able to decide the case by finding that the father had not shown a material change in circumstances, which was the required test to vary a child support order. The judge held that when Mr. Veneman agreed to pay post-secondary expenses in 2009, he had no relationship with Maggie, and had no relationship now.

He declared that Mr. Veneman “was nothing more than a wallet” and said the blame for the alienation must be assumed by both parents.

It is here where I part company with the judge’s findings. It is startling to suggest that the clumsy, perhaps even insensitive, introduction of a new partner to one’s children who are 10 and 13, after two years of separation from their mother, constitutes conduct that is blameworthy.

In my view, Ms. Veneman’s immature behavior is the reason her children have ousted their father from their lives. I hope when the girls figure it out, which they will, they will clearly understand their mother’s role in a tragic family situation the judge called “irrational and avoidable”.

Interesting that if you are part of an intact family you can decide how much you want to contribute, if any, to your child’s education, but if you are separated or divorced the State decides.

Equally interesting is the absence of any reference to “parental alienation”. I guess if you don’t say it, it doesn’t exist.

Lawdiva aka Georgialee Lang

8 thoughts on “Parental Alienation Leads Court to Call Father a “Wallet”

  1. Well said, Georgialee. Non custodial fathets get sucked dry by vengeful and bitter ex-wives and lose that important bonding time with kids when they are growing up

  2. As usual Georgialee you show sound judgement and understanding. I pity lawyers that run up against you. I do not understand the reasoning. If the daughters have abandoned any relationship with the father how is it the court can compel him to pay after the age of majority. It suggests that when signing a separation agreement post secondary arrangements should be left out of it. That is not in anyone’s interests but is the smart thing to do. Sad overall

  3. Paul Yes, I bet Mr. Veneman wishes he was less reasonable in 2009, but it is hard to avoid as a

    typical order says that the support must be paid until the child is no longer a “child of the marriage” which is defined in the Divorce Act as a child 19 or over who is in school full time.

    BTW, B.C. Courts have found that “full time” can be as few as three courses!

  4. There are no accountability mechanisms in the family law process, at least in Ontario. Parents who use the university expenses issue as a way to get back at the other party are left to do so with no repercussions: even if one party does not disclose the resources available to the student, or chooses not to prepare a reasonable budget, the courts have shown no interest in holding the offending party to account; the non-custodial parent is left with few options but to petition the court to relieve them of their obligations. In this case, the father was not successful in doing so, but what other option did he have? and the paying party is left with the hard cold reality that he is no more than a wallet/ATM machine

  5. Reblogged this on smile4daddy and commented:
    Equally interesting is the absence of any reference to “parental alienation”. I guess if you don’t say it, it doesn’t exist.

  6. The “father as a wallet” phenomena is enabled by courts and lawyers who are woefully ignorant of the parental alienation dynamics (see Craig Childress’ videos on youtube for more details) and only serves to leverage position that the receiver spouse has in the divorce situation: the effective custodial parent controls the young adult/students, all their information regarding budget/scholarships and available resources, and then, at least in my case, after refusing to disclose all of same, extracts thru court orders financial resources which they otherwise would not have access to; the result is a lop sided situation where one parent effectively controls at least 70 percent of all university-bound financial resources; the “other” parent is left with not only a huge debt, but also the prospect of not even seeing his children over the four year university period; it is not a wonder that some payor parents seek ways to re-balance such situations.

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